areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
Randomize
