Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
