guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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