Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
