what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
whose ass print is on the piano?
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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