I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
