I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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