It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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