oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
