the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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