If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
Randomize
