when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
