i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
Randomize
