I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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