Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
Randomize
