There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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