Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
