I swear she didn't look like that last week.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize
