the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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