I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Randomize
