I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
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