first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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