i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
She made me pour olive oil on her.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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