Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Randomize
