the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
