Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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