ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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