I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
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