He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
