I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
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