take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
