he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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