I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
No awkward lesbian experiences without me
??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
