I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Randomize
