I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
