Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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