im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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