as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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