3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
Randomize
