i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize
