if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Randomize
