I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
