So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
Randomize
