This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
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