I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
