I got chris browned last night
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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