She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Come share oat with me in your robe
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
