1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Got a toothbrush?
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
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