There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Randomize
