Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
She tied me up with her honor cords...
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Randomize
