Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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